I was sitting in the tub soaking my knee when i started to think about how my childhood affected who i am today. And honestly i came to what seems now as an extremely obvious conclusion. My childhood has played such an important factor on who i am today, it kinds scares me. Let me explain.

When i was growing up, i was pretty much the redheaded step child. my father didn't want me, i was just the spawning of adultery. The first few years of my life, i grew up thinking that my mothers husband was my father. And occationally i would fly to las vegas to visit a man that i honestly didn't feel like i knew anything about, yet my mom called him my dad. He was no saint, and he still isn't. He's a six foot tall 200 lbs man, who treated me alright when i was there. We'd go visit my brother, or he'd visit us, and we'd play in the back yard. But my mom and dad used to fight alot. I never understood why, but it always seemed to be my fault. and eventually my dad began to resent us. at this point in life my mom moved to vegas to be with the father of her child. but all was not well, he began to treat me like scum. like i was not worthy to be near him, like i was his biggest mistake in the whole world. And why wouldn't he? as a grownup i see what im the spitting image of him. almost identical in every way. He hated me for it, its obious to me now. What reason on earth would you have to pull your sons hair and treat him like the scourge of the universe?

My mother eventually ran away back to colorado, and shortly after my dad followed suit. He lived with us for a short time, and continued his assholish behaviour. he scared me so much one day that i hid underneath the coffee table, and for what? mowing the lawn. Eventually my mom and dad faught so much that one day i got home from school to see his silver pick up truck packed with stuff. he gave me some quick explanation of what happened, got in the truck and left. i was ten.

During all this the constant turmoil of my mom rummaging thru my dads things to find the reciepts my dad had from buying his girlfriends panties and so on and so forth. I was constantly barraged with the hate and disgust they had for eachother. knowing that the only reason they even tried was for me. i was the reason they stayed together and the same reason they hated eachother. Because before i ever came into the picture, they actually cared for eachother. they actually seemed to have a good relationship, it showed in the pictures they had. that slow decline from the day i was born untill the day he left.

I grew up in that hate. It was all i knew as a kid, was that one way or another my parents were going to fight. one way or another my dad was going to take my brothers side because at least he half wanted him. i was just the bastard child.


I see it so much now in the situation in my own love life now. How my fear of becoming like my father, how my vow to never be like he was, how every little thing he did has effected me and ruined my life to date.

My fear of becoming that man caused me to become irrational towards the woman i loved. How the hate that him and my mother had for each other scared me away from commitment. How the fights almost had a timing to them, that one way or another sooner or later one of the two of them was going to leave again.

Every little thing that happened back then has messed with me. and worst of all in my own attempts to escape from that. i've caused something even worse. i set the wheels in motion to break the heart of the woman who's always been there when i needed her. After All that fighting to make me not be in that situation, after all the attempts to stop the hate thats been in my own life from the moment i was born. All i've managed to do was cause more pain and suffering.

I never grew up with many friends. Theres few people i ever see anymore that i grew up with, and they arn't friends. they're people from the past. The only people i can still coinsiter friends are from my high school days. from the days where i was allowed some freedom, where i could grow my hair long because my dad wasn't there to pull it.

Elementary school and middle school. man they must have seen right thru me back then. All the names, all the chasing me around the playground. The constant feeling that noone wanted you because they would stab you in the back the moment they saw the chance.

My father left when i was in middle school. i didn't know how to deal with the issues i had going on at home. and at some point i threatened to kill a teacher. of course the kids never left it be, scary malachi's gonna kill us. my mom put me in therapy after that. she felt that i had some unresolved issues i needed to work out. but how would some stranger help me? how could he possibly understand how it feels to have a father that never. not even for one secound of your childhood loved you?

well mabye it helped for a while. but he obiously never got to the root of the issue. you can't get that deep into someones soul in 3 one hour a day sessions. Theres only one person who's ever managed to get close enough to me to see me cry. to see me honestly pour my heart on the table. Honestly i think thats the most wonderful thing thats ever happened to me. i think its the most wonderful thing that could happen to anyone anywhere.

But like in all things. noone wants to be seen as weak. i spent years preparing myself to be in the real world. getting ready to be better than my father ever was. So that mabye one day, i could look back and say that he was proud of me. and honestly believe it. not feel like his words were hollow. i worked so damned hard. i broke my ass and broke my bones to get there. and in one instant, that was all gone. everything i'd worked so hard at. everything i'd tryed so damned hard to accomplish. gone.

I'd lost the only person i'd let see me cry because of that man. I'd lost the only dream i'd ever had because of that man. I've lost everything because of the life i led when i was young.

there are very few people who grow up in loving households. even fewer grow up with there mom and dad.

but as i look back on it now. i've tried so hard to beat that man. to become more than he could ever begin to dream of bieng. and in the end. it cost me everything i'd gained on the road to get there.